Positive outlook on infertility

After 6 years of just "waiting to see if I can get pregnant", I have finally started fertility treatment! As I embark ok this TTC (TRYING TO CONCEIVE) journey I am filled with a sense of hope and positivity. I have never felt so calm and at peace with the idea of trying to have kids, and it feels great!

Over the years I have not allowed myself to get too excited about having kids... Mostly because a part of me always knew it was not "time" yet. Something feels different now...

I don't know how long its going to be, but I have faith that "the Lord will remember me" and the promise of motherhood will be granted.

Some tell me not to get too excited, fertility drugs are not always effective. They don't want me to get my hopes up. But... The reality for me is, I'd rather put all hope and faith in becoming a mom, than to live my life in fear and doubt that I won't. I'm just not happy if I'm not hoping for the best in everything, even if it does sound naive.

Sheesh, when I was dating my husband I invested so much emotional energy the first week of dating. People would warn me not to get too involved, I would just be setting myself up for heart break. I ignored them because it made me happier to put myself out there and give it my all, then to only give a little and have doubts about my future in the relationship.

So I'm doing it, I'm giving the pursuit of motherhood my all! I'm putting my motherly heart on my sleeve! I'm going to be positive, I'm going to get excited, I'm going to think about baby names again, I'm going to plan for motherhood, I will walk the baby aisles at Target with a smile on my face, I will picture babies in my arms, I will dream about kissing my babies... I will have faith in Gods timing.

I'm a firm believer in mind over matter... My mind has decided I'm going to get pregnant and that it will allow no other alternative.

I want to be a runner!

I have never been really good at sports, mostly because I don't play them. I find team based sports where a ball is involved very intimidating. I also feel silly chasing after a ball (football, soccer ball, baseball, you name it).

I have always liked independent sports. Running, swimming, biking, etc. I like them because to get good at them, you have to compete with yourself. Your mind is seriously your most difficult competitor.

This is why I have always wanted to be a "runner." I have always felt like if I can overcome the roadblocks in my brain I can do ANYTHING! Getting physically fit to be a runner is the easy part, getting mentally fit is the most difficult.

So far, I have been overcoming some pretty difficult mental roadblocks and I feel ready to move my life into the direction of becoming a runner. Next year, when I go to California, I would like to run a half marathon. So, I need to keep preparing.

A month ago I ran the Albuquerque Color Run. It was a simple 5k that was not to be taken seriously. I loved that, it was super fun and a great start to get me motivated into a Runners lifestyle.

Ever since then I run about 4-5 times a week, running no less than 3 miles every time. I have been slowly increasing my distance and speed.

My next race is a 10k here in Rio Rancho New Mexico, Its called the Hobbler Gobbler 5k/10k Run. This run will take place on Thanksgiving Day. Im so excited! I see this as something to help me stay focused on my healthy lifestyle during the Holiday Season.

After the Hobbler Gobbler 10k I will begin my training for my first 1/2 Marathon. I have not picked a location for a 1/2 marathon yet. I am planning on visiting my family in California next summer. I would like to run my 1/2 marathon at that time so I can meet my family at the finish line!

So wish me luck, Im feeling pretty confident I can do this. I have attempted to "become a runner" every year, and every year I fail. With all that I have accomplished latley I feel I can do this. With the help of the Lord, I know I can do this!

15 Years with my BFF!

My best friend, Rachel (Van Riper) Petmecky, posted this lovely picture of us today on Facebook. This was such a wonderful picture to be greeted with when logging on. The instant I saw this pic I remembered that 15 years ago, this month, Rachel and I became friends, later Best Friends, and now more close sisters than anything else.

Rachel and I have been through a lot together. Literally, almost everyday as teenagers we would have what we called "court time" we would walk around the court that I lived on and talk and talk about EVERYTHING. Her troubles, my troubles, the countless boys I crushed over, her successes with swimming, our tears and laughs. We talked about growing up and getting married at the same time, having babies at the same time and living next door so our children could be best friends. I was also her personal hair stylist and makeup artist...

This is her 8th grade graduation, I did her hair and makeup...

 

Oh my gosh.... remember when pookah shell necklaces were in?? ha ha!

 

 

Growing up, I felt like her teacher, or her wiser older sister. Little did I know, she would later become mine. I wanted to make sure she knew that even when life got hard, she had a loving Heavenly Father that loved her sooooo much, and that He would take care of her. When I left to college in 2005 I was so worried she would forget (she didn't), and I was also worried that we would loose touch (I'm sure she felt the same way).

Well, we didn't...

Rachel was my Maid of Honor at my wedding in 2007

 

She followed me to New Mexico.... and found a guy...

 

And I was her Matron of Honor in 2009

 

We lived in the same apartment complex here in New Mexico and I got to watch her family grow...

 

(I took this pic at the park across the street from the apartment complex)

Such a Cute Family!! AND... The just celebrated baby #2!! A cutie pie little boy named Parker.

 

 

Rachel and I don't live as close anymore (we are and 1.5 hours away from each other) but I feel we have become even closer friends and even better sisters. She is such a wonderful example to me of an awesome stay-at-home-mommy. I learn from her everyday and she inspired me to live healthy. Someday, when Curtis and I are blessed with babies, I hope to be even half the kind of mother Rachel is to her babies.

I love our friendship and I can't imagine my life without my sister Rachel. I hope and pray we are never far apart from each other. And if we are for a time, that's OK, cause someday we will end up "right next door" to each other. :-)

Happy 15 Year Friendship Anniversary Rachel! Love ya girl!!

 

On my way to the best version of me!

I have to be honest, the reason why I have not written in over 5 months is because I have not been happy. As I try to have this blog remain positive in nature, and speak only of 'happy days', it is inevitable that bad days will come.

Since writing is very therapeutic for me I still continued to write, however, I wrote in my journal and in a private blog where I could write my feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment and sadness. I have been writing in a journal since I was 9 years old. Something I notice about my journal writing is that I become my own therapist. There will be times where I write a journal entry and I am very upset about something, then, as the journal entry progresses I have a shift in thought. Because I purged my negative thoughts on paper, I could then clear my mind to resolve the issue.

I am happy to report, that after a five month purging of negative thoughts... I am happy. It all began with this journal entry...

July 29, 2012 Sunday

 

I wish I could say I have progressed since my last journal entry, but unfortunately not much has changed. (I was super upset about not having children yet) The one difference is that I'm not super upset. This will allow me to write more rationally.

 

I can't remember a time when I was truly satisfied with life. I have been unhappy for a few years now. I usually blame my unhappiness on not having babies, Curtis not working, family making poor choices, my work not recognizing my efforts, my parents leaving the church, not having friends, living with in-laws, I can list on and on of all the excuses.

 

Truthfully, I need to stop blaming everyone and everything else for my unhappiness and start taking some accountability for it! I am where I am because of me. I have no relationship with God because I do not pray to Him and I do not read His words and I do not take upon myself the name of Christ.I have no relationship with my family because I choose not to communicate. The rest of my life is miserable because I do not take care of myself. Its all my fault. If I want my happiness to change I need to start focusing on me.

 

I will do this by getting off my lazy tooshy and live a full life and take care of me!

I was so liberated by this train of thought. It was almost as if I finally got out of my funk and logic and reason finally payed a visit to my emotions. The next day I went to my pantry and fridge and cleared out all the food that was toxic to my body. I went to the gym with my husband and that night I went to bed by 10pm. It was time to take control of my life, and my happiness.

Its been a month later and I am happy to report that I....

• Go to the gym everyday after work, with Curtis, and workout for about 45-60 min.
• I eat a wholesome, clean, meals everyday.
• I have stopped eating sugar (refined sugar, the most sugar I get is in fruit) "cold turkey" (not exactly sure how I did that one).
• I cook all of my meals.
• I load up on veggies, fruit, lean proteins, and healthy fats ALL day!
• I try to eat as much local food as I can.
• I stop eating at 7pm.
• I bring my lunch to work everyday.
• I ran a a 5K Race, "The Color Run"
• I drink a LOT of water
• I go to bed between 9:30 and 10pm every night.

Sometime I will go further into detail on exactly the type of foods I eat, how much and all of that. But for now I will just tell you, that taking care of my body has been the best thing I have ever done for myself! I am happier, more positive, more friendly, more patient with Gods timing, and I have lost 12.5 lbs. All that matters to me is that I be in good health so I can be the best wife, someday, if God willing, the best mom, and most importantly the best version of me.

I can't wait for more happy days ahead! I'm confident If I have bad days, I will be able to handle them much  better because I am taking care of myself.

What is in your water? And can I have Some too!

I can honestly say, I have a dozen friends and family members that are pregnant right now, half of which are due between now and the next 30 days! I have come to the conclusion that this increased level of fertility among my friends stems from one of two reasons...

One, The water they are drinking is being visited by the fertility fairy and has obviously been given the wrong directions to my house.

Or Two! 2011 had one very cold winter. And me, well, Im never cold.

Update part 2

The other entry was getting too long...

Wow... that was a long winded rant, but some other news that is going on.... I have a new calling at Church. I am the Young Womens 1st counselor. I thought it was interesting that the Lord wanted me here when we are getting ready to move states. But I know that I am needed whether I am there for a short time or not. I was in a Young Womens calling last year and was released almost a year into it to be a Gospel Doctrince teacher. It was difficult for me to accept the realease because I felt I was not doing good enough. And I really wasn't. I could have done more so many times. However, I knew the Lord made the right decision. I was able to focus more on my own spiritual strength and my marriage.
I love the women I am serving with and I believe that we all have something very much in common that will truley help us in our callings. I love serving the Young Women and teaching them about their strength as daughters of God and the potential their Heavenly Fathers see in them.

Fairbanks Family Update

Well, if it hasn't gone viral already, it has now. Im pregnant! Nah..... just kidding! I almost had you at that one!

The news with us is that Curtis is in UT and I am here in New Mexico. He went to UT to find a job! While this is so exciting, its also bittersweet. For one big reason, Curtis is there and I am here! (I really need to get over my "need-y-ness") The other thing... we might move. However, I will go where ever God needs us. I will really miss the friends that I have made here in New Mexico and the family I have here. But..... if we dont end up moving, then Hey! New Mexico friends, I love you, and all this is history!

Curtis graduated from CNM in January. He has his associates in Engineering. Now, all of you know he has been going to school for a loooooooooong time.  So he should have like a bachelors and in graduate school by now right? If thats what you are thinking... stop judging. Things changed last year and this is the move he needed to make. The great thing..... he wil be working! Its important for Curtis to work. He likes to work! The lovely things about him work, the idea of starting a family seems even that more possible. Knowing Curtis, he will go back to school, more part time than anything. If he does go back to school I will be proud of him and if he does not go back to school I will be proud of him!

So often we get cought up in how society expects our lives to go.

 In the LDS community we should not have been engaged 10 months, we should have gotten pregnant within 3 months of marriage, Curtis should have an MBA in Engineering, I should be barefoot and pregnant with my 3rd child, and we should have a house.

In the modern world, Curtis and I should NOT have gotten married, be living together, travel the world, finish our degrees, have careers, wait to have kids when Curt is almost 40 and I am like 32, and then decide to get married.... maybe.

But in my world, this is how it is.... we waited 10 months to get married because that was the request of my parents (it was so I could finish my degree) and we felt should respect my parents wishes. We married eachother because there is more love then we both could have ever imagined. We do not have kids because we are on Gods times table, I have not rushed the to the Doctor to fix the problem because it just has not felt right yet. We do not have a house because one, we are not financially capable quite yet, and two, when we buy a house we want to live in it forever, so where  the house is should be where we want to be, and we have never felt sure about New Mexico. So, we have not been rushing into everything like most LDS people would want, we are not, from the worlds perspective, putting off the truley important things like marriage and kids. We are living happily together in our marriage, Building a solid foundation of love, trust, patience, forgivness, partnership and friendship.

We are so happy! We built this happiness on our own! When things got hard and people told us to get out, we didn't! We forgave and loved eachother! When one of us struggled in school or work we learned to lift each other and be a friend rather put down the other and expect the impossible. I feel that when God blesses us with Children the greatest gift we will be giving them is the strength and love of our marriage. And Curtis does not have his bachelors yet, because well, he just doesn't. And that is OK. I am soooooooooooooooo proud of him!!